So, 18 days to go. Not like im counting or anything. :)

Today has been good, in relative terms. Yesterday was awful, I cried most of the day. But today, iv been rationalizing things out in my head, and that seems to help.

One of the hardest parts is not feeling wanted. Im never sure if its okay for me to stay in the living room, or sit outside wit hthe family, or if I should just go away. Its akward, and upsetting. Also, Stephanie snapped at me the other day for getting up when Romy was crying. She said "Im her mother, and imhere", b ut I just dont want her to think im lazy, and ignoring the baby!! So I always wonder, should I leave her...or not? I feel like an imposter! Oh, how I cant wait to be home with my own family, free to be myself, and not worry about anything!!!

I lost another 2 kilos. ( which, for you non kilo people, is about 4 pounds.) Im starting to get a bit concerned, though. I really do eat. (mostly shit, though) But I think a large part of my weight loss is stress related. I also havnt been sleeping well, waking up in the night, the usual. Just another reason I cant wait to get home.

Licia isnt going to be able to get me from JFK, so I will have to fly to Boston, or take the Greyhound bus. Just a little more stress, because I dont have enough, clearly.

I am SO craving a double cheeseburger. Thats the first thing I will eat, when I land in JFK, because for some reason, they dont have them in McDonalds here! I know the weight I lost, I will quickly gain back!

No title here.

I havnt written in a while, mostly because I have nothing of substance to say. I feel like this blog has become a place where all I do is complain, and that wasnt my original intent at all. And really, I dont have much to say. I dont do anything, besides count the days until i go home. Really. Every morning I wake up and think to myself, I absolutely DO NOT want to get out of bed. But I do. i vaccuum. (Thats such an akward word to write) I read, play, change shitty diapers and think about home. I eat dinner, and think about home. I go to bed thinking about home. I think that the amount of time I spend thinking about home is unhealthy...

I have to apply to college in a month, and im so nervous. A major reason im not going to college in the fall is because I was too overwhelemed to apply. But now, I have to do it anyway, and its harder because i dont have the school people to help.

Im an idiot.

Home...:(

I havnt written in a few days..I dont have much to say... im basically just really sad lately. Home seems so far away, but I know its not, its only 3 weeks. Iv already been here longer than that, so obviously I can do it.

Tomorrow Marilia and I will go to Nürnberg..lots of walking, but hopefully it will be fun.

Im so tired right now, but I cant shut off my brain to go to sleep.

Im dissapearing!

After I woke up this morning and rolled out of bed, I realized, I have NO clean clothes. Seriously. None. Well, except the ones I dont wear. .. I picked up my "Impeach Bush and Cheney" shirt, which although i used to wear it everyday at home, I havnt worn it more than twice here. So anyway, it was semi clean. As clean as something on the floor can be.

It used to be tight. I mean, its a big shirt, its supposed to fit loose, but this morning, when I put it on, it was actually TOO BIG!!! Which means, that I have lost a significant amount of weight, which is now SHOWING!!!! How very exciting is that?!

So now, since my clothes are all too big, I kinda look like an idiot all the time. But its okay, im getting thinner!!! WHOOOPPPEEEE.

Jus thtought I would share that wonderful bit of news with, well, myself, since really no one reads this anyway.

Losing it

I had this intense blog all planned out last night...but then I woke up this morning, and remembering none of it. So I guess I will just ramble like I usually do...


I was actually afriad to go to bed last night. I was so exhausted, yet I was DREADING going downstairs to my room. I knew it was going to be one of "those" nights, where I couldnt get to sleep, and wouldnt be able to get out of bed in the morning. And it was. It was a hrad morning, I woke up with that desperate sadness, a sadness nothing can fix. It seems my depression is back full force. So it has been a...well, a sad day. But amazingly, Im making it through.

I havnt showerd though. Thats the sign that I really tried hard to make it through the day, and I just dont have it in me right now.

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For lunch Noah wanted pancakes. I thought, okay, easy enough, fine, pancakes it is. apparently, im a total fucking idiot. I some how managed to splatter boiling cooking oil onto the inside of my wrist. OUCH. It also just so happened to be the wrist that is covered in scars. It seems that scar tissue burns pretty bad. I now have a wonderful 2nd degree burned splatter design on the inside of my wrist. Brilliant.
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I have one exhausted baby to take care of right now. Shes teething. Doesnt want to eat, to play, nothing. Sleeping is also pretty hard for her. So she is fussing, and fussing, and cant be comforted. Part of me wants to scream, shake the shit out of her, " GO TO SLEEP!!", but I know its not her fault, and shes just so darn cute.

Plus, shes learned to clap!! its adorable, and she gives the best open mouthed baby kisses.

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Im so very, very tired right now, so i cant think well enough to continue writing. More later, maybe.

Cats, job offers and college. OH MY!

Last night I came home to fing Laki, Stephanie's old, sick cat,(one of 3 old, sick cats) laying in the garden crying. I shook his food bowl, and called his name, but he didnt respond. I went over to investigate, along with a neighbor who had walked over. It turned out that Laki couldnt move the bottom half of his body. His back paws, and tail were paralyzed. He didnt have any apparent injuries, so we put him in a basket and settled on calling the vet in the morning, since it was already almost midnight. Needless to say, I was up all night, watching to make sure he was still breathing. Around 7 I cleaned the whole house, (which needed to be done), and comtemplated showering. (but didnt). At 9 I brought him to the neighbor and we called the vet, and Stephanie. the vet said to come at 1pm, so we waited, and waited, while Laki cried. It was so sad.

The vet said it looks like he may have been hit by a car and have internal injuries. I really dont understand who would hit a cat, and drive away. No note, nothing. At first the vet said he was going to need to be put down. (At this point I started crying) I couldnt imagine watching a living thing die, right there. DIE when I was supposed to have been taking care of him.But for some reason, she (the vet) decided to hold off on that. she gave him some medicine, and decided to run some tests, and if he's not better in the morning...well, you know.

On another, slightly less dramatic note, I got a job offer.

Thing is? Its in California. A family friend's girlfriend had a ruptered brain anuerysm about 5 years ago. She wasnt expected to live, but miraculously did, and recovered her speech too. She is doing really well, but still needs help with some basic tasks, like cooking, and getting in and out of the shower. thats where I would come in. Jeff (family friend) wants to pay me, and offer me a free place to live and eat, in exchange for helping out with her care. Its similar to what im doing now, but it would give me the opportunity to take a break from kids, and be closer to home. Well, not really clsoer to home, but atleast in the country. I could go there around Halloween, and stay until maybe next June. about 6 months, and in that time, save some money, and take some night classes, so I could enter school at home in the fall a a sophmore.

A few "buts"-

But it would mean leaving home once again. Missing my family, missing my friends.

But it would be a nice opportunity, and its CALIFORNIA!

But I would be 3,00 miles from home.

But California has a great Homosexual community.

But Id be 3,00 miles from home!

But California also has a great art scene.

I also talked to my mom about applying for spring semester admission, and letting me live at home until school starts. That way I could work, save up some money for a shitbox car, and be close to my family and friends.

Basically, I have quite a lot to think about.

And points for me! I took a shower today! Yay for functioning!!!!

2 days to go

This is hard to write. Its now come to a place where it is hard to think, hard to feel, hard to live.

There is so much Im dying to say, so much Im dying to get off my chest, to write down. But when I start thinking about it, trying to organize my thoughts, I am just so overwhelmed, I have to stop.

I have to push my emotions aside with TV, hours of it. Yesterday I sat for 10 hours straight in front of the computer. 10 hours! But if I look away from the screen, everything comes flooding back.

Im stuck in my head. It has come back, with a vengenance. It which prevents me from living, causing me to merely survive. It which tells me not to shower, to eat, to move.

The well is so long, deep and dark.

And I am really no good with ladders.