Rant

Ya know, this really fucking sucks. Marilia was supposed to be here almost an hour ago, and here I am, sitting alone. Waiting. Sometimes I really hate people.

Day one of four is almost over. Three to go, and im sure those three will suck just as bad.

Theres this intense lonliness here, alone. and Im having a really hard time dealing with it. Going to bed alone, waking up alone...its just not fun. I havnt felt this...sad...for weeks now.

So incredibly lonely, so...depressed. theres this constant feeling behind my eyes, threatening to break out. But I know. I KNOW, that if I start crying, I wont stop. It will just get worse.

And some things really make it worse.

Like, strang things. For some reason the smell of dinner made me really sad. Also, if I watch something on the computer on full screen mode, the thought of going to bed in an empty house, and thinking about the next day. Silly things, really.

Im also overwhelmed with the thought of going home. Now, dont get me wrong, im THRILLED to be leaving here. But on the flip side, when I get home, I will have no money, no car. Im going to have to ride a bike to work while I save up for a car.

And to top it all off, I only get to live at home for 2 months. Then, my mum says, I have to get my own place. 2 months is definately not enough time to save up for a place, and save up for a car!!! And once I get my own place, I will really REALLY need that car, since I most likely wont be in biking distance from work anymore.

plus side to biking? i'll lose the weight im so desperate to lose.

Updated update

All I have to say right now is OMG OMG OMG, because as of this morning...

IM COMING HOME.

September 3rd at 4 pm, I will officially be backin the US.

whos excited? I am!

And it only cost 350€ which really isnt that bad. The girl from Ireland bought her ticket today, and when I woke up, Stephanie told me. I was so excited, but also, which I think is quite normal, a little sad. I know when I get home nothing will have changed, and eventually, I will really miss Germany. Its going to be sad to go home. I didnt really think about it that way until I bought the ticket. then I stopped to think and was like, wow, Im really going to miss it here, and miss Stephanie and Susanne and the kids. But on the flip side, Im glad to go home and see MY family, and friends, and be in my own bed.

I hope I made the right decision.

Update on life

So, update,huh?

Well, Stephanie found an Irish girl interested in starting the begining of September. Her name is Michaela and she seems pretty nice, although I guess we will see. Its never definate until the plane ticket has been bought. But the contract has been sent, and if all goes well, I will be home in September. Now if only I can find a decently priced ticket. More on that search later.

The family is going to EuroDisney this coming weekend. Im really not looking forward to be alone all weekend. I know im going to be brutaly homesick and lonely, but someone has to watch the dogs. awesome. (those of you who have my phone number, call me a lot!!)

This weekend was eventful. Yesterday we went to a gay festival, which was pretty fun, but really only amplified my lonliness. I really need to find a girlfriend. That will have to be my goal when i get home. ( Well, after getting a job and a car, of course...)


I also talked to Nicole last night, and wow, has she changed. She got got with pot going into 6 flags...but luckily the cops werent involved. She says she is moving to Cali with Glenn. instead of going to school...because of loans and things. But I really feel that she didnt try to figure out school, since she is to busy getting high and drunk with Glenn and Trina. So moving across the country to live with someone shes only been dating 5 months is apparently a good alternative.

I wish i could scream at her, "Remember me, Katja, your best friend? REMEMBER ME????!" But I know she wouldnt hear. And she wouldnt care. Because she always can only seem what is right infront of her. And since Im here, so far away, its like I am invisible. Which sucks. I email and call, but never any response. She doesnt check her email or her voicemail. Its like she has completely forgotten me...after everything...

which really hurts.

And I know even when I am home, nothing will change, which is really the hardest thing of all.

Kids

Some kids are really huge assholes. Noah has been so excitedx about going to Eurodisney for his birthday, and today, a child at his kindergarten, told him that Mickey Mouse was dead, and anyway, he was only a man in a costume. And now Noah says, " he wouldnt lie to me, hes my friend!" The poor kid! His birthday trip is ruined now, because of some little shit. I really have the mind to smack the little shit in his ass! UGH!

Anyway, this past weekend I went with Marilia to Ulm, with couchsurfing. It was pretty cool, we went to a hotair balloon show, a light show on the Danube, visited the Ulm Münster, which is the tallest cathedral in the world, walked around a blue water spring, met a nun who spoke 5 languages and went to 2 caves. The first cave we had to climb 35 M down, and then back up. up was awful, really. The second cave had a little boat that you go into the cave with. It was beautiful, cold, clear water, huge trout.

I also bought a backpack!

This coming Saturday we are going to Gartinerplatzfest, (that is most definately spelled wrong), which is a big gay street festival in Munich. Im really excited for that. And then in late August we are going to an Austrain salt mine. You take this open train into the mountain, and watch!

PS. this is a really shitty blog. what the hell is a blog, anyway?

The past few days I have been revisiting my childhood. The bombardment of the familiar yet completely foreign tastes, smells and sights is welcome...but also makes me nostalgic. Sitting on the balcony eating a Bum Bum yesterday, at the schwimbadd, I really felt like I was 7 years old again. How nice that would be.