Last Day

So it´s my Last Day in Germany. I cant believe its finally here. The past few weeks have been a whirlwind, seriously...

This will be short, a longer blog will follow once my jetlag has dissapated, maybe over the weekend.

Basically, Goodbye Duetscland. It was fun while it lasted. HAHA. I will miss your wonderful beer and even better icecream, as well as your lax drinking laws. But, maybe one day we will meet again. until then? TSCHÜS!

Lonely day

Its a lonely day today. Sundays are lonely days. But on the brightside, I have only 4 official work days left until home since this coming weekend im going to Marion´s. So I will work until Thursday, asnd Friday I leave. Sunday night when I come back, I will do all my laundry, and then Monday, I will pack. The new girl comes Tuesday, and then I leave early early Wednesday morning. By Wednesday night, I will be with my family again. Thank god.

Anyway, on a different note, people are assholes. How hard is it, really, to leave a note or something if you go out? I came upstairs, and everyone is gone. No car, nothing. They could have called downstairs to say they were leaving! Now I have no clue where they went!

I was thinking today, that I will start doing something here. Writing letters to people and things (depression, eating disorders, art) that have had a major impact on my life. I feel like I have SO MANY things to say, but I never get the chance. The people will probably never read them, so it will give me the opportunity to really say the truth. The first letter will follow later tonight.
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This weekend im going to take the train to visit Jo´s sister and her family. I think it will a nice way to break up the time until I leave, and damn im glad to be getting away from here!!!! Plus, I havnt seen them in...almost 12 years? since my dad´s wedding, and that was only for a few hours! So this will be a great last official weekend here in Germany, since next weekend I will be packing and getting ready to go HOME!!! ( Oh, that sounds so, SO nice!!!) So I just have to make it through the rest of today, and tomorrow morning, then im really home free, because when I am back here on Monday, Laura is coming (HURRAY! a native English speaking friend), and its my last week! ( The Final Countdown now begins to play in my head, haha)

Its all Mind over Matter now. BE WHERE YOUR FEET ARE! I will make it through this, because I Am Strong. (a little self talk, there)

tschüs. be well.

This is awful. I really feel like I wont make it. Its like there is this giant, empty hole in me, thats eating me up. I hate it!! Im so SICK of crying!!!!

I just want to go home. Please...please..

I dont know who Im asking here. But...oh, I dont know.

Sidebar

Oh, and can we talk about how freakin´wonderful Facebook, GMail, and Blogs are, please?

I think I may need a 12 step program, good god.

Feeling okay today!

So I am feeling "okay" today. And these days, "okay" is GRRRREAT! So, I thought I would take the time to do a real post, instead of a gripy complaining one!

I have 16 days left in Germany. things are winding down now, to the last few "lasts". This weekend is my "last" weekend officially, since the next one I will be packing. This coming Sunday will be my "last" Sunday phone call with my Dad, and on Wednesday, my second to "last" one with my mom. Its all very, very, VERY exciting. (catch just how exciting? :))

Saw some cute things in the shop today to bring home for gifts! Cant wait to buy them! But I should wait, since I dont know how much space I have in my bags yet.

I officially know how I am getting home from JFK!! Lucky Bus! $15, leaves every hour, perfect, prefect. Plus, you are allowed 2 bags and a carry on, which is exactly what I have!!! Go Lucky Bus, woohoo!!

I am down to 94 kgs now. Still VERY heavy, and overweight, but considering im not actually dieting, only being consious of what I put in my body, the weight seems to be flying off. But when I get home, and am not under so much stress, I am certain it will decide it would rather stay!!! In which case, I will have to diet. Because I am starting to like this "new" me!!! No more hiding in baggy clothes!! I do look very silly though, since all my clothes are just a little too big. Just more incentive, though. Oh how awesome it would be to get back to "pre depression eating disorder" weight!!

So things are slowly starting to fall into place. Its kinda nice, after such a hard weekend (think lots and LOTS of desperate sobbing), to be feeling okay now. As long as I stay busy, I know it will be alright.

I just need to, as my mom always tells me, "Be where my feet are".

Peace and Love guys. (and fabulous Mexican food for dinner)

It occurs to me every so often, that I am in Europe.

So, 18 days to go. Not like im counting or anything. :)

Today has been good, in relative terms. Yesterday was awful, I cried most of the day. But today, iv been rationalizing things out in my head, and that seems to help.

One of the hardest parts is not feeling wanted. Im never sure if its okay for me to stay in the living room, or sit outside wit hthe family, or if I should just go away. Its akward, and upsetting. Also, Stephanie snapped at me the other day for getting up when Romy was crying. She said "Im her mother, and imhere", b ut I just dont want her to think im lazy, and ignoring the baby!! So I always wonder, should I leave her...or not? I feel like an imposter! Oh, how I cant wait to be home with my own family, free to be myself, and not worry about anything!!!

I lost another 2 kilos. ( which, for you non kilo people, is about 4 pounds.) Im starting to get a bit concerned, though. I really do eat. (mostly shit, though) But I think a large part of my weight loss is stress related. I also havnt been sleeping well, waking up in the night, the usual. Just another reason I cant wait to get home.

Licia isnt going to be able to get me from JFK, so I will have to fly to Boston, or take the Greyhound bus. Just a little more stress, because I dont have enough, clearly.

I am SO craving a double cheeseburger. Thats the first thing I will eat, when I land in JFK, because for some reason, they dont have them in McDonalds here! I know the weight I lost, I will quickly gain back!

No title here.

I havnt written in a while, mostly because I have nothing of substance to say. I feel like this blog has become a place where all I do is complain, and that wasnt my original intent at all. And really, I dont have much to say. I dont do anything, besides count the days until i go home. Really. Every morning I wake up and think to myself, I absolutely DO NOT want to get out of bed. But I do. i vaccuum. (Thats such an akward word to write) I read, play, change shitty diapers and think about home. I eat dinner, and think about home. I go to bed thinking about home. I think that the amount of time I spend thinking about home is unhealthy...

I have to apply to college in a month, and im so nervous. A major reason im not going to college in the fall is because I was too overwhelemed to apply. But now, I have to do it anyway, and its harder because i dont have the school people to help.

Im an idiot.

Home...:(

I havnt written in a few days..I dont have much to say... im basically just really sad lately. Home seems so far away, but I know its not, its only 3 weeks. Iv already been here longer than that, so obviously I can do it.

Tomorrow Marilia and I will go to Nürnberg..lots of walking, but hopefully it will be fun.

Im so tired right now, but I cant shut off my brain to go to sleep.

Im dissapearing!

After I woke up this morning and rolled out of bed, I realized, I have NO clean clothes. Seriously. None. Well, except the ones I dont wear. .. I picked up my "Impeach Bush and Cheney" shirt, which although i used to wear it everyday at home, I havnt worn it more than twice here. So anyway, it was semi clean. As clean as something on the floor can be.

It used to be tight. I mean, its a big shirt, its supposed to fit loose, but this morning, when I put it on, it was actually TOO BIG!!! Which means, that I have lost a significant amount of weight, which is now SHOWING!!!! How very exciting is that?!

So now, since my clothes are all too big, I kinda look like an idiot all the time. But its okay, im getting thinner!!! WHOOOPPPEEEE.

Jus thtought I would share that wonderful bit of news with, well, myself, since really no one reads this anyway.

Losing it

I had this intense blog all planned out last night...but then I woke up this morning, and remembering none of it. So I guess I will just ramble like I usually do...


I was actually afriad to go to bed last night. I was so exhausted, yet I was DREADING going downstairs to my room. I knew it was going to be one of "those" nights, where I couldnt get to sleep, and wouldnt be able to get out of bed in the morning. And it was. It was a hrad morning, I woke up with that desperate sadness, a sadness nothing can fix. It seems my depression is back full force. So it has been a...well, a sad day. But amazingly, Im making it through.

I havnt showerd though. Thats the sign that I really tried hard to make it through the day, and I just dont have it in me right now.

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For lunch Noah wanted pancakes. I thought, okay, easy enough, fine, pancakes it is. apparently, im a total fucking idiot. I some how managed to splatter boiling cooking oil onto the inside of my wrist. OUCH. It also just so happened to be the wrist that is covered in scars. It seems that scar tissue burns pretty bad. I now have a wonderful 2nd degree burned splatter design on the inside of my wrist. Brilliant.
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I have one exhausted baby to take care of right now. Shes teething. Doesnt want to eat, to play, nothing. Sleeping is also pretty hard for her. So she is fussing, and fussing, and cant be comforted. Part of me wants to scream, shake the shit out of her, " GO TO SLEEP!!", but I know its not her fault, and shes just so darn cute.

Plus, shes learned to clap!! its adorable, and she gives the best open mouthed baby kisses.

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Im so very, very tired right now, so i cant think well enough to continue writing. More later, maybe.

Cats, job offers and college. OH MY!

Last night I came home to fing Laki, Stephanie's old, sick cat,(one of 3 old, sick cats) laying in the garden crying. I shook his food bowl, and called his name, but he didnt respond. I went over to investigate, along with a neighbor who had walked over. It turned out that Laki couldnt move the bottom half of his body. His back paws, and tail were paralyzed. He didnt have any apparent injuries, so we put him in a basket and settled on calling the vet in the morning, since it was already almost midnight. Needless to say, I was up all night, watching to make sure he was still breathing. Around 7 I cleaned the whole house, (which needed to be done), and comtemplated showering. (but didnt). At 9 I brought him to the neighbor and we called the vet, and Stephanie. the vet said to come at 1pm, so we waited, and waited, while Laki cried. It was so sad.

The vet said it looks like he may have been hit by a car and have internal injuries. I really dont understand who would hit a cat, and drive away. No note, nothing. At first the vet said he was going to need to be put down. (At this point I started crying) I couldnt imagine watching a living thing die, right there. DIE when I was supposed to have been taking care of him.But for some reason, she (the vet) decided to hold off on that. she gave him some medicine, and decided to run some tests, and if he's not better in the morning...well, you know.

On another, slightly less dramatic note, I got a job offer.

Thing is? Its in California. A family friend's girlfriend had a ruptered brain anuerysm about 5 years ago. She wasnt expected to live, but miraculously did, and recovered her speech too. She is doing really well, but still needs help with some basic tasks, like cooking, and getting in and out of the shower. thats where I would come in. Jeff (family friend) wants to pay me, and offer me a free place to live and eat, in exchange for helping out with her care. Its similar to what im doing now, but it would give me the opportunity to take a break from kids, and be closer to home. Well, not really clsoer to home, but atleast in the country. I could go there around Halloween, and stay until maybe next June. about 6 months, and in that time, save some money, and take some night classes, so I could enter school at home in the fall a a sophmore.

A few "buts"-

But it would mean leaving home once again. Missing my family, missing my friends.

But it would be a nice opportunity, and its CALIFORNIA!

But I would be 3,00 miles from home.

But California has a great Homosexual community.

But Id be 3,00 miles from home!

But California also has a great art scene.

I also talked to my mom about applying for spring semester admission, and letting me live at home until school starts. That way I could work, save up some money for a shitbox car, and be close to my family and friends.

Basically, I have quite a lot to think about.

And points for me! I took a shower today! Yay for functioning!!!!

2 days to go

This is hard to write. Its now come to a place where it is hard to think, hard to feel, hard to live.

There is so much Im dying to say, so much Im dying to get off my chest, to write down. But when I start thinking about it, trying to organize my thoughts, I am just so overwhelmed, I have to stop.

I have to push my emotions aside with TV, hours of it. Yesterday I sat for 10 hours straight in front of the computer. 10 hours! But if I look away from the screen, everything comes flooding back.

Im stuck in my head. It has come back, with a vengenance. It which prevents me from living, causing me to merely survive. It which tells me not to shower, to eat, to move.

The well is so long, deep and dark.

And I am really no good with ladders.

Rant

Ya know, this really fucking sucks. Marilia was supposed to be here almost an hour ago, and here I am, sitting alone. Waiting. Sometimes I really hate people.

Day one of four is almost over. Three to go, and im sure those three will suck just as bad.

Theres this intense lonliness here, alone. and Im having a really hard time dealing with it. Going to bed alone, waking up alone...its just not fun. I havnt felt this...sad...for weeks now.

So incredibly lonely, so...depressed. theres this constant feeling behind my eyes, threatening to break out. But I know. I KNOW, that if I start crying, I wont stop. It will just get worse.

And some things really make it worse.

Like, strang things. For some reason the smell of dinner made me really sad. Also, if I watch something on the computer on full screen mode, the thought of going to bed in an empty house, and thinking about the next day. Silly things, really.

Im also overwhelmed with the thought of going home. Now, dont get me wrong, im THRILLED to be leaving here. But on the flip side, when I get home, I will have no money, no car. Im going to have to ride a bike to work while I save up for a car.

And to top it all off, I only get to live at home for 2 months. Then, my mum says, I have to get my own place. 2 months is definately not enough time to save up for a place, and save up for a car!!! And once I get my own place, I will really REALLY need that car, since I most likely wont be in biking distance from work anymore.

plus side to biking? i'll lose the weight im so desperate to lose.

Updated update

All I have to say right now is OMG OMG OMG, because as of this morning...

IM COMING HOME.

September 3rd at 4 pm, I will officially be backin the US.

whos excited? I am!

And it only cost 350€ which really isnt that bad. The girl from Ireland bought her ticket today, and when I woke up, Stephanie told me. I was so excited, but also, which I think is quite normal, a little sad. I know when I get home nothing will have changed, and eventually, I will really miss Germany. Its going to be sad to go home. I didnt really think about it that way until I bought the ticket. then I stopped to think and was like, wow, Im really going to miss it here, and miss Stephanie and Susanne and the kids. But on the flip side, Im glad to go home and see MY family, and friends, and be in my own bed.

I hope I made the right decision.

Update on life

So, update,huh?

Well, Stephanie found an Irish girl interested in starting the begining of September. Her name is Michaela and she seems pretty nice, although I guess we will see. Its never definate until the plane ticket has been bought. But the contract has been sent, and if all goes well, I will be home in September. Now if only I can find a decently priced ticket. More on that search later.

The family is going to EuroDisney this coming weekend. Im really not looking forward to be alone all weekend. I know im going to be brutaly homesick and lonely, but someone has to watch the dogs. awesome. (those of you who have my phone number, call me a lot!!)

This weekend was eventful. Yesterday we went to a gay festival, which was pretty fun, but really only amplified my lonliness. I really need to find a girlfriend. That will have to be my goal when i get home. ( Well, after getting a job and a car, of course...)


I also talked to Nicole last night, and wow, has she changed. She got got with pot going into 6 flags...but luckily the cops werent involved. She says she is moving to Cali with Glenn. instead of going to school...because of loans and things. But I really feel that she didnt try to figure out school, since she is to busy getting high and drunk with Glenn and Trina. So moving across the country to live with someone shes only been dating 5 months is apparently a good alternative.

I wish i could scream at her, "Remember me, Katja, your best friend? REMEMBER ME????!" But I know she wouldnt hear. And she wouldnt care. Because she always can only seem what is right infront of her. And since Im here, so far away, its like I am invisible. Which sucks. I email and call, but never any response. She doesnt check her email or her voicemail. Its like she has completely forgotten me...after everything...

which really hurts.

And I know even when I am home, nothing will change, which is really the hardest thing of all.

Kids

Some kids are really huge assholes. Noah has been so excitedx about going to Eurodisney for his birthday, and today, a child at his kindergarten, told him that Mickey Mouse was dead, and anyway, he was only a man in a costume. And now Noah says, " he wouldnt lie to me, hes my friend!" The poor kid! His birthday trip is ruined now, because of some little shit. I really have the mind to smack the little shit in his ass! UGH!

Anyway, this past weekend I went with Marilia to Ulm, with couchsurfing. It was pretty cool, we went to a hotair balloon show, a light show on the Danube, visited the Ulm Münster, which is the tallest cathedral in the world, walked around a blue water spring, met a nun who spoke 5 languages and went to 2 caves. The first cave we had to climb 35 M down, and then back up. up was awful, really. The second cave had a little boat that you go into the cave with. It was beautiful, cold, clear water, huge trout.

I also bought a backpack!

This coming Saturday we are going to Gartinerplatzfest, (that is most definately spelled wrong), which is a big gay street festival in Munich. Im really excited for that. And then in late August we are going to an Austrain salt mine. You take this open train into the mountain, and watch!

PS. this is a really shitty blog. what the hell is a blog, anyway?

The past few days I have been revisiting my childhood. The bombardment of the familiar yet completely foreign tastes, smells and sights is welcome...but also makes me nostalgic. Sitting on the balcony eating a Bum Bum yesterday, at the schwimbadd, I really felt like I was 7 years old again. How nice that would be.